Nth Degree

Well it's that time of year again. You know, the time of year when Admissions "accidentally" diverts their phone to my office, and everyone over 25 suddenly starts talking about "Our Day", as in "It was harder in our day. In our day nobody got As. In our day we had to take 12 3-hour exams in 4 days. In our day the exam papers were in code and you had to crack the code before you could answer the questions, and you had to memorise pi to 250 digits then write it on the exam paper in your own blood while Miss Whitham held a gun to our heads. Kids couldn't do that now."

Probably not. But in "your" day (I'm picking on the over-35s now) you didn't pay any fees, you got some free cash from the government that you wouldn't need to pay back and you could sign on in the holidays.

Which is not going to be a problem for a significant number of students this year, because apparently there aren't any places. Now this isn't strictly true. I know this, because I've had a look. There are a smattering of places available if you wanted to try your hand at any of the following:

- Sports Surface Management (er...mowing the grass at the Oval? Being one of the people who has to break it to a baying mob of Bradford fans that the match is off because the pitch is waterlogged AGAIN?)
- Alternative Theatre (Hamlet on Pogo Sticks)
- Animal Behaviour - (the study of the centre of any provincial town on a Saturday night
- Customer Service - (presumably 3 years of honing such phrases as "I understand what you're saying madam, but..." and "I'm not authorised to answer that question")
- Emergency Studies (I need a library book - and quickly!)
- Equestrian Psychology (And how does winning the Grand National make you feel?)
- Foot Health (Podiatry for people who don't like long words)
- Music with Outdoor Studies (Playing the violin on a hill?)
- Pilot Studies (at City they call it Air Transport Operations, which makes it sound less like you'll be reading about Biggles and more, well, Degreeish)
- Risk Studies (3 years looking at risk assessments and tutting at blocked fire exits. My husband would love this!)
- Sport History (that would be SO useful for pub quizzes...)
- Television Design (I assume this isn't actually designing the televisions?)
- Pretty much anything if you're prepared to go to Bolton.

So there you go. If you've got your results but don't have a place yet, check out UCAS. It kept me amused for, ooh, at least 15 minutes.