God? In the City?

I'm having one of those weeks. I think it comes from working in Elephant. I've now seen Elephant in all weathers, even snow, and it seems that whatever the weather's doing it still looks crap and miserable. This, compounded with the fact that I have met various people in the most awful situations this week and my head is spinning from reading various Commission for Social Responsibility texts with the aim of writing an essay on them, makes you think: what is God thinking?!

Now I know the resounding answer you lot who read this blog will come out with: "well, take the hint and stop wasting your time on Him then!". I can picture the comments now (which is nice since people don't often leave comments on this blog!) But I am beginning to feel that many Christians are a sanctimonious bunch who revel in their own saved-ness and balls to the rest of you. I have a friend who insists that you cannot call yourself a Christian if you don't go to church, which is fine, but I also don't think you can call yourself a Christian just because you DO go to church, even if you go every week, or every day. What's the point, if ultimately you don't give a damn about the people around you? One day, a guy wandered in in the middle of the sermon shouting. He was clearly upset and either ill, drunk or on drugs. Exasperated when we all turned round, our vicar demanded "Are we listening to the sermon or are we listening to the man at the back?" (It's fair to say we were listening to the man at the back.) When he got rid of the choir, because he felt we had too much of a role in how we worshipped, I left. Is it any wonder that only 2% of people in "Urban Priority Areas" go to church?

I am being a little unfair, and in fact, most of my Christian friends are very socially minded: one has today seemingly disapeared off the face of the earth and is running a Fair Trade stall at her college, others are working for a pittance in parishes and for charities doing all sorts of nice things that help to cushion the blow for those leading generally awful lives. I am of course just suffering from "I'm useless and it's friday" syndrome. I've just invented it, and it's rather like when you go to the library and work solidly for five hours and come out with nothing written down and unable to tell anyone what you've been reading about, thinking to yourself "so what have I just achieved"? So this week I have achieved very little. I have made one or two people's lives seem less shit than they were an hour before they met me, but I haven't made a positive impact, just lessened the negativity a bit. In the process I find I hate the government, the Church, bureaucracy and, hey, just people in general.

So I do feel a little two-faced going to church at the moment and saying how much I love everyone and how I am prepared to turn the other cheek etc, when at this precise moment I want out of a system that, in public at least (NB split in the Anglican church) seems to spend more time bickering and carefully following rules and regs and traditions (bow here, incense there, cross yourself during this prayer, kneel here, God Save the Queen, still praying for Iraq...) at the expense of the people who are here, crying out for help, day in, day out, without anybody ever seeming to hear them or take the blindest bit of notice.

Happy Friday, everyone!

PS I apologise to all those of you who have read "Grafitti", who will already be familiar with my socialist rants.