The art of knowing little

I am flattered at the amount of indignation my blog seems to have stirred up. I don't recall having ever been taken so seriously before. But there is one thing you must understand about me: I actually know very little about anything useful, and not a great deal that is useless either. (I did discover the other day that I could name the entire 1999-2000 Bradford City squad. But I think that just goes to prove my point.) I assumed such was evident from the fact that I gained a high mark in an English degree, which proves that what I am good at is making things up. If you have two much knowledge, there's a danger it might enter into your essays, and that would be a mistake. The essay I achieved the highest mark in was an essay that discussed the possibility that "The Waste Land" was a play. My tutor remarked that nobody had ever thought of this before. I suggest this may be due to the fact that it was in a book entitled "Poems by T.S. Eliot". If you weren't sure of the genre there was a clue in the name.

A bit like Anusol. I apologise for stooping to such levels, I am in a bit of a stream-of-consciousness mood and it just crossed my mind: why do the makers of Anusol feel the need to state "NOT to be taken by mouth"? You'd think the title made it pretty self evident what one was supposed to do with it.

Bizarre.

Anyway, I have been overly criticised on this and another blog for stating that more deaths have occurred in the name of religion than any other single cause. Apparently I am talking bollocks (I will happily admit I have a tendancy to talk bollocks, but just bear with me a sec). Dunno how many died in the Crusades, but it was a fair few. Dunno how many people were burned as witches and heretics, but again, it was a fair few. Currently people of various faiths are being persecuted in China and elsewhere in the name of religion (or more specifically the fact that they have one.) Similarly, Muslims and Jews are in various places persecuting others, whereas Christians seem to be content with just slagging off people who aren't as absolutely sanctimoniously perfect as they are. With the exception of outright despotism, and perhaps paranoia twinned with it (Stalin et al) I can't think of any other single cause that has resulted in so much bloodshed. Pop music, for example. Or even football. That would be interesting.

Have a good one.

And it's goodnight from him...

On Wednesday evening, the Executive of King's College London Students' Union passed a motion of No Confidence in their President. I'd like to say this doesn't interest me. But I'd be lying. As the five people who texted me the news were aware.

It's not exactly tough to put forward a no confidence motion at KCLSU. a mate of mine reckoned you could no confidence a president for wearing red socks on account of the fact that students preferred blue ones. (No political comment intended.) But it's rare for one to go through, and it's rare for that many people in a KCLSU exec meeting to agree on anything.

The gist of it all was that the president had failed to report after being censured for not doing so three times. It was admittedly quite difficult for him to do so, since he often fails to attend meetings altogether. (He is an esteemed member of the Carlton Club and as such has to be there as often as possible.) He has also never attended a ULU Council Meeting, and has allegedly (it's ok, I said ALLEGEDLY) turned up to various college meetings trashed. According to this he was no confidenced for 1.) Failure to report 2.) Failure to do work 3.) Failure to lead. Which are quite big oversights if you're the President, even if you're crap at it.

The decision now has to be ratified by Council, not so much because Students' Unions like to give people a fair hearing, but because they like to drag out the agony for as long as possible. What amazes me, though, is that, in spite of the fact that 13 people voted to get rid of him (versus 1 - him - to allow him to stay) he hasn't resigned yet!

There's a not-very-interesting discussion on educationet about it, (although there is a guy who posts as "Barry the Seagull", which interests me...) and surprisingly little (i.e. nothing) about it here (although the chatter section is fun.)

Oh, and the guy's also a Tory. Not that I'd hold that against him.

More on the election

Unfortunately this doesn't show up properly on a black background, and as I absolutely refuse to have a blog that is any colour other than black, you'll need to highlight the bar thing for it to make any sense. Kind of like a scratchcard, only without the 0900 number to claim your prize. (Since there is no prize.)

Who should I vote for? v2

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

Labour -4
Conservative -12
	Liberal Democrat 59
UK Independence Party 0
	Green 61

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against. The Greens are also anti-Europe.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

So basically I'm not a fascist and I don't like New Labour. Which is reassuring.

In the interests of balance...

...I feel it only fair, given the amount of debate I seem to have sparked following my earlier digs at the Holy Father, that I present a little of the other side of the argument. (And let's face it, of the two elections that have made the news recently, this is by far the most interesting!)

So, the following are reasons why Benedict XVI will make a good Pope.

1. He's male
2. He's Catholic
3. He isn't a paedophoile
4. Or a murderer
5. But seriously...
6. He has worked at the Vatican for many years so now how things work, and thus how to get things done.
7. He has a huge amount of concern and respect for the human person, and these views, especially his views on abortion, will be welcomed.
8. He speaks ten languages and as such can reach out to Catholics all over the world. He is also extremely intelligent ans as Pope I'm sure he will write even more which, because of his fame, will be read by many more people than before.
9. He is a keen spokesperson for peace - although he has been criticised for being in the Hitler Youth and Army (and let's face it, it was rather the Done Thing in the 1940s if one was German) he actually deserted at the end oft he war, which was a very brave thing to do.
10. He is very supportive of the work of charitable organisations such as CAFOD and hopefully this will extend to a concern for world poverty etc, whihc will build on the work done by Pope John Paul II.

Best of luck to Benedict XVI, our new Bishop of Rome, or The Artist Formerly known as God's Rottweiler.

I might consider becoming a Dr Who fan...

...now that David Tennant has been confirmed as the new Dr Who. Yay! David Tennant has been confirmed as the new Dr Who. (By confirmed of course I don't been a bishop has placed his hands on his head and said he can take communion. although that might have happened too. He might be Catholic. Wonder what he thinks of the new Pope? Anyway, I digress.)

So, as I was saying, the rather lovely, marvellous and generally wonderful David Tennant is going to be the new Dr Who. And while scouring the BBC website for anything I could find on this story (it's a lonely life, working in Elephant) I found this reply on the BBC's "Have Your Say" section. The topic was "Will David Tennant make a good Dr Who?"

Speaking as a Dalek, I just can't see what the fuss is about. However many times this shape shifting do-gooder reinvents himself, we will not be deterred: we will catch the Doctor and we will exterminate him. Though my wife pointed out the other day that if we do, we will of course be out of a job.
Mr A Dalek, Skaro

Whoever wrote that has far too much time on their hands.

Actually, if Ratzinger doesn't like being Pope, maybe he could consider becoming a Dr Who villain.

Excommunicate....Excommunicate...

Some call him "God's Rottweiler" - welcome, Benedict XVI

My apologies for jumping on the Guardian bandwagon, but Cardinal Ratzinger didn't gain the above nickname for nothing. On the one hand, he denounced the paedophile scandal, and claims never to have fired a shot while in the German army in the Second World War. He speaks ten languages and there's no denying the guy's pretty smart. He also wrote a book called "The Ratzinger Report", which sounds a bit like the title of a Radio 4 satire. On the other hand...

1. He strongly opposes the use of condoms in Africa
2. He thinks all other Christian churches are "invalid"
3. He describes homosexuality as an "intrinsic moral evil"
4. He denounced rock music as being "the vehicle for anti-religion" (that's my vocation screwed, then)
5. He supported the Magdalen Laundries
6. He was head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of faith (formally known as the Holy Inquisition)
7. He denounced fighting poverty through social action as it "smacked of Marxism"
8. He is not only against ordination of women (which I'll let him off on as it's understandable perhaps for someone in his position) but also against the use of female choristers and altar servers.
9. All but 2 German bishops opposed his appointment, and German opinions polls have suggested more people oppose him than support him.
10. He is in favour of refusing Mass to those who do not agree with the Church's teaching. He has banned colleagues who take issue with Church teaching from holding certain roles (e.g. Hans Kung, a former colleague from Tubingen University)and evenm had a go at Sr Lavinia Byrne for voicing her views on certain moral issues.

Overall, he seems like a bit of an arse.

Heaven knows I'm Anglican now.

Reunion

A Millfield Society reunion is a bit like posh speed dating. You work your way around a room, being plied with alcohol as you go, and have brief and inane conversations with people you don't recall ever having met before, but whom you are nevertheless trying to impress. Like speed dating, you can even get briefed beforehand, by reading through the last copy of the Society magazine or going on Friends Reunited to give you an idea what everyone is up to.

At this point you remember why you never kept these people's mobile numbers when you left. It's all very well saying "So, what are you up to now?" but since the answer is invariably something like "I run my own stables" or "I travel" or in one case "I moved to Ireland so I could carry on hunting" (which I would argue doesn't answer the question), it does rather leave you unsure of what to say next.

There is a small group of people whose numbers I genuinely intended to keep but which I lost when my phone was stolen, and most of them obviously looked at Friends Reunited like me and thought better of going. It takes me about five minutes to find the remaining four, grovel and exchange numbers. At which point my best friend, who lives in London Bridge, and who I see on average once a month, turns up, and we spend the evening filling up each other's glasses and pointing at people.

I haven't remembered much about anyone, but what other people claim to have remembered about me seems to be entirely fictional. About half the people I spoke to thought I was going out with "the weird guy in the white suit", who was in the year above me. The other half seem to be split between those who think I was going out with the son of my English teacher (?) the two of three who have actually met my partner, and an inexplicable handful who failed to ever go out with me and thus think I'm a lesbian(?!) Then there was one who didn't comment either way, but who wouldn't take his eyes off the top of my dress. The conversation went something like: (Me)"Hey, how I are you?" (Him) "Hi! Er... you look.. your dress is really... it really suits you...you look great...er...do you want a beer?"

I did have a lovely time, ultimately because the main iam of these events is to squeeze as much money out of you as possible, and once they discovered I was a welfare adviser people tended to leave me alone. For the record I promise to keep in touch with Jeremy, Alex, Jo, Philip and Jamie. And of course Yangyang.

And it does make you feel better when your taxi fare comes to more than an entire night' spending.

I'm so bored of the General Election...

Many (ok, two) of you who read this blog have suggested we start our own political party. I have been trying to think of a suitable name, and Latin is clearly very much in vogue at the moment (because a.) it makes you sound intelligent and b.) it makes your electorate feel in awe of you if they don't even know what the name of your party means.) So with this in mind, how do you rate the following suggestions?

Vaccus (Useless)
Opicus (stupid/Philistine)
Caecus (intellectually/morally blind)
Ignotus (ignorant)

It is slightly ironic, though, that a party with a huge dislike of immigrants should choose a word from the language of the greatest invaders who ever lived (er, possibly bar the UK) as their party name. If they really want a name that sums them up as the truly English political party, then surely they should have a real, Old English name?

How about:
Awiht (Anything)
Sefteadig (Comfortable)
Nic Besargian (No Regrets)
Ongeanstandan (Opposition. That would confuse them. A party called the Opposition Party.)
Dryhtlic (Magnificent. The word literally means "Lord/God-like, so Tony Blair might like that one.)
Hrimgicel (Icicle. No reason why that would make a good name. Actually it wouldn't. But I like the word.)
Atelic (Horrible. I'd vote for a party called the Horrible Party.)
æmettig (Empty)
Ingong (Immigration. Would have to be called Nic Ingong.)

Am getting bored of this. Will stop now.
Px

Blair's Big Idea/Estate Agent Jargon

Housing is finally back on the political agenda, with Brown looking at increasing opportunities for first time buyers by doing away with stmp duty etc. which is rather nice for me as I'm hoping to get a mortgage some time within the next Millennium. But it seems it's all part of a big idea of Blair's to increase home ownership to 80% of the population.

Which is all very noble. But doesn't that sound familiar to you?

HOW TO BUILD A COUNCIL HOUSE
What about the 20% who still won't own their own homes? What about the 9% of the population who currently live in Council housing? It's great to increase home ownership, but the more people who own their homes, the greater the divide between them and those who don't.

Currently you can wait up to 10 years for a council house. I know a single parent who has been told she will have to wait five years, and in the meantime should carry on living with her parents, brother and sister. And what do you get for all the waiting?

There are two council estates next to one another in Camden (there are loads of council estates in Camden, but these are next to each other.) One is I presume mostly consisting of now privately-owned dwellings, with nice white doors with shiny door knockers and plant pots on the doorsteps. It's lowrise, all double-glazed, there's lots of community space, some have gardens, the outside is nicely kept up, it's good for transport etc. Next door is another block, slightly higher rise, with one communal entrance instead of separate terrace-like entrances. It's in need of a bit of a face-lift. There doesn't seem to be any communal space and it's surrounded by a big fence with barbed wire on top. All in all it looks a bit like a prison.

If you don't like rants, best stop reading...

A friend of ours is an architect and was recently asked to design a block intended for public housing tenants. When he presented his design they looked at ways to cut costs.
Firstly they got rid of extra aesthetic features - bye-bye to the window boxes and the nice doors etc.
Then they got rid of noise insulation.
Then heat insulation.
Then they said they couldn't have a playground - it was expensive and would expose them to possibly getting sued if there were any accidents.
Then they said no to carpetting in the corridors.
Then they turned possible shop space into more flats - experience had taught them that nobody would rent out the shops as they were not commercially successful.

How lucky you are if you get into that block.

YOU CAN LOOK BACK NOW!!!
I have been browsing the internet for flats. I found a car parking space for sale off the King's Road for a mere £20,000. Bargain. Our house in Lancashire was worth two of them!

COSY FLAT, BUSTLING AREA. A BARGAIN!!!
I have found some interesting jargon:

A cosy flat - a shoe box
On a bustling road - noisy
In a peaceful area - miles from anywhere
In a trendy area close to bars and pubs - people vomitting on your doorstep at 1am
An unusual flat - something's wrong with it
A bargain - something's wrong with it
In a purpose-built block - on a council estate
In this prestigious block - in this overpriced block
Great views over London - at the top of a high-rise block
Period-decorated - needs redecorating
Within reach of local transport - quite a long way from local transport
With character - old
Modern decor - no character
Almost unbelievable price - actually quite believeable
Open-plan studio - bedsit
Separate bathroom - not a very nice flat or we wouldn't need to point this out
Low-maintenance garden - yard
Patio - small yard
Close to London Metropolitan University - this flat is so crap we assume only students will want it.
A stone's throw from transport links - how close depends on what you throw the stone with.
In the heart of King's Cross - if you live here you will get mugged
On the edge of Bloomsbury - in King's Cross
Close to Greenwich - Deptford
In East Dulwich - in Peckham
Close to Tesco - and Tesco is as good as it gets

Px

Oh Charles don't you ever crave to appear on the front of the Daily Mail...

And so the sun shines over Elephant, and today's big news is that Prince Charles isn't too keen on the press. Hey, no shit, Sherlock. What did you expect? And what's more the press seem surprised, so they must be stupider than we thought. I almost feel sorry for Prince Charles. Almost. I mean the poor guy didn't ask to be heir to the throne any more than he asked to be a dithering idiot with a penchant for organic biscuits. But unfortunately, if you do get lumbered with being heir to the throne and a dithering idiot, well, you presumably come to expect some press intrusion. But honestly, there are more important things going on, like, say, world hunger? Terrorism? Elections in Zimbabwe? Elections here? Earthquakes in Asia? Planes crashing in Albania (yeah, that slipped right off the agenda), the Pope on his last legs? (Or was that a cruel jibe at an old bloke who drives around in a golf buggy? It wasn't meant to be.) And all you care about is a posh bloke who's getting married in Windsor Guildhall and wishes everyone else would quite frankly bugger off.

Talking of the Pope...
Actually, we thought he'd died already when they only showed his back on TV on Easter Sunday. We weren't far off. Apparently they didn't show him as he was on a ventilator. Now, much as I have issues with many of the things the Catholic Church has said and done, and many thing's John Paul II himself has said, I do think the Pope's an amazing man who has done amazing things, not least standing up for peace, and I do feel terribly sorry for him; he's old, in fact he's I think the second longest-serving Pope in history, and as such he should have retired and taken up dominoes and 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles like everyone else. But instead he has to go out on his balcony and wave at tourists every day while Cardinal Ratzinger et al stand at his shoulder and translate, for the benefit of the world's media, "The Pope says God Bless you all, and to tell all you homosexuals you're disordered and intrinsically evil." Nice move.

I hope the Pope dies peacefully.

ELECTION FEVER
There's a Conservative election poster just down the road from us. It runs "How hard can it be to keep a hospital clean? Are you thinking what we're thinking?" I really want to attack it with a spray can and answer "I doubt it."