So my father-in-law read my blog, and thus read "Overkill", and now I can only assume he thinks I'm a nutjob. So I'm going to refrain from writing anything that's come out of my own fair head today and will instead relate some pearls of wisdom from what is probably the single most offensive book ever written in the English language... and (wrongly?) possibly the most humorous.

In 1898 one Professor Mieklejohn published something which he erroneously termed a "text book" - one "A New Geography". Complete with a map proudly covered with pink bits, Mieklejohn sets out on an epic 576 page mission to offend every nation across the globe, with the notable exception of the British, throwing in a few sweeping generalisations and random (possibly unfounded?) observations.

Of the Dutch, who, he observes "have a fondness for old costumes", he remarks that "their most remarkable external virtue is cleanliness". He comes across as bordering on pleasantly surprised by this discovery, which makes you wonder about the hygeine of the rest of Europe.

He's rather complimentary about the Germans, who he describes as "a straightforward, honest, steady, hardworking, brave and loyal people", but dismisses the Spanish as "lazy, sleepy and prone to reverie."

To be fair, he is less dismissive of the Italians, on whom he goes into a certain level of detail:
"The common notion is that they are extortioners, uncivil, given to revenge, assassination, lying, treachery and dirt. This is a mistake. The genuine Italian is wonderfully gracious and charming, and attractive in manner. He is uneducated - 62% of the people cannot read or write. He is an ardent lover." This has to be one of the more random list of attributes I've ever read.

The Russians don't come out of it all quite so well, the "peasants" being decribed, in another rather random list, as "hard-working, fond of music and song, light-hearted, extrenely loyal, but dirty, superstitious and prone to intemperance."

But they do come out of it rather better than the entire population of Africa, who are generously described as "not all wholly savage."

But once we arrive in Asia things go rapidly downhill. Japan receives great praise: "The beautiful land of Japan has often been called, and with much justice, "The Great Britain of the East"." He then goes into the various geographical similarities, before concluding, with a hint of smug pride, "Both peoples are industrious, upstanding and fond of commerce." This however is merely context-setting for what follows:

"In character the Japanese exhibit striking constrast to the Chinese. The Chinese are dirty, the Japanese scrupulously clean; the Chinese are conceited and despise everything foreign, the Japanese keep an open mind for everything that is good; the Japanese are naturally industrious, the Chinese lazy."

Well, that told 'em.

But the Chinese are not alone. The Professor isn't all that keen on the Afghans, either. This is because they are, apparently, "rude, coarse, and careless of outward show. They are skillful artisans, generous, even truthful(!!)..." (wait for it...) "at least in peace; but when their evil passions are stirred up by war they are cruel, vengeful, treacherous and greedy. "God shield you from the vengence of the cobra, the elephant and the Afghan" is a common saying" (Yes it is! Have you not heard it?) "When any specially atrocious act is done, the Afghans themselves speak of "An Afghan job".

Riiiiiiight. Good, unbiased, factual stuff, then.

But the Piece de Resistance? Well, the Prof saves the best for last. Summoning all his remaining vitriol, he finally turns his attention to the "Native Australian", and unfortunately for the Native Australian he has obviously done something to offend this intrpid academic, who describes him as "the most degraded of all savages, with no pottery or religion" (pottery, obviously, is the measure of civilisation here; that's probably why he was generally nice about the Dutch) "In his language he can count to five and no further. He lives on shellfish, lizards, worms and grubs, and sometimes eats his own children."

I do rather like the image of grubs washed down with oysters. But other than that, words fail me.

Unfortunately, though, Miekeljohn doesn't know how to leave his audience wanting more. Having ritually abused most of the human race, he goes out on a climactic final chapter tantilizingly entitled "Coaling Stations of the British Empire".

If you come across the sequal in some obscure, UKIP-endowed second hand bookstore, do let me know.